Differentiation of Self

This is a short essay and case example from the Bowen Center for the Study of the Family. This essay describes differentiation and how an individual's level of differentiation affects the self, family, and community. They define differentiation as the ability to find a balance between our needs for connection and our needs for autonomy. They explain that the opposite of differentiation is called fusion. This is the merging of one's self with another person or group.

Here is a playful phrase I enjoy that sums up the process of fusion:

"When two become one, then there are none."

How does this relate to couples? My experience is that the lower the level of differentiation, couples are less able to tolerate their differences, cannot achieve true understanding, and do not enjoy the magnificence of healthy mutuality; the foundation of healthy relating.

This is a decent article, worth reading. Differentiation is invaluable!!!

After the End of the Affair - New York Times

This is an article from the New York Times, which focuses on Eliott Spitzer's extra marital affair to examine what will happen to a couple after an affair has been discovered. The article explains that relationships often survive the trauma of an affair, but that the recovery process can be extremely challenging to overcome.

My experience is that extra marital affairs are usually indicative of larger issues in the relationship that have not been dealt with. However, if both partners are willing to do the hard work of recovery, the relationship can be revitalized and become much closer than even before the affair. As strange as this sounds, some of my clients actually say that the affair was the best thing that happened to their relationship because it caused them both to examine what was working and what was not and to do something about it.

This is a short and gossipy article.

The Fish Is in the Water and The Water is in The FIsh: A Perspective on the Context of Gay andLesbian Relationships for Gestalt Therapists

This article describes a particular perspective on working with
lesbian couples. It includes the Cape Cod model of couple and
family therapy, which is described; and holistic social, political,
community, and family-of-origin perspectives on factors specific
to gays and lesbians. It discusses the influence of those factors
on the couples' lives and their therapists' praxis. It also includes
a resource bibliography to help therapists educate themselves in
this area.

John Gottman: The Magic Relationship Ratio

In this 80 second video clip from a John Gottman lecture, Dr. Gottman explains what he calls the magic ratio: Successful and happy couples are those who have a ratio of at least 5 positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction.

My experience working with couples in my practice is that people are unsure how to recover from negative conflict. For instance, when our partners' feelings are hurt, the healthy thing to do is to make repairs immediately, such as apologizing or saying or doing anything that helps your partner recover from the hurt feelings. However, more often we respond to our partner with defensiveness, excuses, withdrawal, or more attacks.

Watching this video clip is a great way to learn what you need to do to keep your relationship alive!