A Poem For You

Here's Wild Geese, a poem by Mary Oliver. For all who struggle with loneliness & conformity. http://www.rjgeib.com/thoughts/geese/geese.html

Positive Coping

“Life is not what it's supposed to be. Its what it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.” Virginia Satir

Scientists to share insights into compassion with the Dalai Lama

In this article from the Seattle Times, the focus is on the science of compassion. Neuroscientists, psychologists, and other experts gathered at the University of Washington with the Dalai Lama to discuss what is scientifically known about compassion.

I was lucky enough to attend this event. I particularly enjoyed hearing from Andrew Meltzoff, a developmental psychologist and co-director of the UW Institute for Learning and Brain Sciences. He stated that compassion arises from the "interaction of biology and culture — including the family environment and larger culture in which we are raised". If what he says is true, we have the ability to cultivate compassion in ourselves and others. Why is this important? As the Dalai Lama would say, "Compassion is good!!!"

Compassion by definition is the positive regard for ourselves and others and a sincere wish for all sentient beings to have happiness and to know the causes of happiness.

From a more scientific basis, compassion is a higher brain function. When we have irrational and negative fighting, we respond from our brain stem. This is the part of our brain that keeps us safe when we are in danger by activating a fight or flight response. The problem is that when we respond from this part of our brain, we release stress hormones that wreak havoc on our physical and emotional health and make it impossible to respond logically or compassionately.

Even worse is the affect this type of fighting has on children; according to John Gottman's research, "Cortisol — the stress hormone — gets past the uterine barrier," Gottman said, "If a mother is pregnant in a family that loves and accepts her, it's a whole different uterine environment for the developing fetus. You can predict how much a baby smiles, or how quickly they calm down, by how the parents interact with each other."

Unavoidable factor: Compassion begins in the womb. This is the first gift we give our children!

We can cultivate compassion by developing an unlimited friendliness toward ourselves. This can be a difficult process because we often swallow a mountain of negativity and from it nurture self hatred. However, compassion toward others requires compassion toward ones self.

I really enjoyed this event!

Differentiation of Self

This is a short essay and case example from the Bowen Center for the Study of the Family. This essay describes differentiation and how an individual's level of differentiation affects the self, family, and community. They define differentiation as the ability to find a balance between our needs for connection and our needs for autonomy. They explain that the opposite of differentiation is called fusion. This is the merging of one's self with another person or group.

Here is a playful phrase I enjoy that sums up the process of fusion:

"When two become one, then there are none."

How does this relate to couples? My experience is that the lower the level of differentiation, couples are less able to tolerate their differences, cannot achieve true understanding, and do not enjoy the magnificence of healthy mutuality; the foundation of healthy relating.

This is a decent article, worth reading. Differentiation is invaluable!!!

After the End of the Affair - New York Times

This is an article from the New York Times, which focuses on Eliott Spitzer's extra marital affair to examine what will happen to a couple after an affair has been discovered. The article explains that relationships often survive the trauma of an affair, but that the recovery process can be extremely challenging to overcome.

My experience is that extra marital affairs are usually indicative of larger issues in the relationship that have not been dealt with. However, if both partners are willing to do the hard work of recovery, the relationship can be revitalized and become much closer than even before the affair. As strange as this sounds, some of my clients actually say that the affair was the best thing that happened to their relationship because it caused them both to examine what was working and what was not and to do something about it.

This is a short and gossipy article.

The Fish Is in the Water and The Water is in The FIsh: A Perspective on the Context of Gay andLesbian Relationships for Gestalt Therapists

This article describes a particular perspective on working with
lesbian couples. It includes the Cape Cod model of couple and
family therapy, which is described; and holistic social, political,
community, and family-of-origin perspectives on factors specific
to gays and lesbians. It discusses the influence of those factors
on the couples' lives and their therapists' praxis. It also includes
a resource bibliography to help therapists educate themselves in
this area.

John Gottman: The Magic Relationship Ratio

In this 80 second video clip from a John Gottman lecture, Dr. Gottman explains what he calls the magic ratio: Successful and happy couples are those who have a ratio of at least 5 positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction.

My experience working with couples in my practice is that people are unsure how to recover from negative conflict. For instance, when our partners' feelings are hurt, the healthy thing to do is to make repairs immediately, such as apologizing or saying or doing anything that helps your partner recover from the hurt feelings. However, more often we respond to our partner with defensiveness, excuses, withdrawal, or more attacks.

Watching this video clip is a great way to learn what you need to do to keep your relationship alive!